The Benefit of Blogging

and nobody actually following your blog : You can post embarrassing stuffs like this.


Happy New Year, Miss Love of My Life! You're awesome, too.

It's That Time Again

...for my birthday. I got a Nintendo DS from Dzeti two years back and a brand new phone from her last year. It feels like these happened yesterday. When I turned 18, my dad surprised me with a guitar, my first ever. Some irresponsible douchebag borrowed it and lost it in 2007. I still imagine having that thing laying around here somewhere.

But things change and time waits for no one.

"I'm 23 and I'm already hazy,
What am I gonna,
What am I gonna do?"
- The Starting Line.

Astro Rock

...is a term coined by Brave Saint Saturn (another favourite band of mine, consisting of former members of the defunct but legendary Five Iron Frenzy).

It refers to their own breed of rock, which is entirely anchored in astronomical concepts. So far spanning across 3 full-lengths, their lyrics revolve around tales of astronauts’ struggle (and at times, failure) to survive in space, all the contrasting emotions that rage inside them as they hover alone million miles from Earth and the sense of accomplishment and victory in their homecoming. It is not an occupation for the timid and it’s really interesting to hear astronauts' trials and tribulations being told in a form of rock music. (Recommended sample: “Daylight”)

It just dawned on me that a few of my other choice rock bands could be considered astro rock too.

Bad Astronaut is an off-shoot band consisting of punk rockers from different bands. They assembled with deep-rooted spirit of punk rock, took inspirations from places beyond the atmosphere, added some mellow heart-wrenching sensibilities with strings, pianos and acoustic guitars, injected some masterful and versatile songwriting, and poof! – you are gifted with a rare gem of original music. (Recommended sample: “Autocare”)

Growing up in the late-90’s, Blink-182 played a huge part in introducing me to guitar distortion and power chords. Plus, I never imagined such immature silliness from an adolescent’s viewpoint actually had a place in music. It was really refreshing, at least for me. Almost a decade later, Tom Delonge grew way older and his musical outlet widened with Angels and Airwaves. Characterized by uplifting melodies and huge U2-inspired guitar works, layered with futuristic electronica that aliens in space might bop their head to, he seems to do the refreshing thing again. (Recommended sample: “Call to Arms”)

And off course I can’t lecture you about my definition of good music without mentioning Coheed and Cambria. This band bases their whole career on an epic tale of cyborgs, space ships, as well as cosmological conception and destruction as penned by geek-genius Claudio Sanchez. Claudio Kilgannon (his own character in the story) is cursed with a power to bring an end to the Keywork galaxy he lives in. Off course he uses it to battle an ominous army and seek retribution from a high-ranked villain with undisputed supremacy who caused deaths of his semi-robotic parents. (Recommended sample: “From Fear Through The Eyes of Madness”)

So if I ever feel like laying on a field, watching the stars, wondering if there are lives out there beyond our reach, I would play my favourite astro rock music. Maybe E.T. will stop by and have a chat.

While It Gently Weeps

Some incidental benefits of me playing/having a guitar.

1. Protruding fingernails make it really unpleasant to play. I'm forced to keep them well-groomed.

2. Sweaty and grimy body leaves dirt ingrained in the guitar surface. I'm forced to bathe often.

3. Oily palms can harm the finish. I'm forced to wash my hands regularly.

4. Guitar hates humidity. I'm forced to close the windows. So, no more runny noses.

5. Guitar is a powerful dust-magnet. I'm forced to tidy up my room.

Now I just need another hobby to force me to do about 1450 other things that I need to do.

Let Me Bring Her There

I don't care about anyone else. Not even myself. I don't have the need to attend the convocation there. It's just that it has been my dream to bring her there. After all that she's been through, nobody deserves it more than her. I remember driving in the midst of unparalleled beauty along South Island lonely roads and each time I saw something like this, ...


... I thought "My mom would love this in front of her eyes".

Big Head and Small Shoulders

Dzeti gave me a bottle of mysterious shampoo (No, not the one referenced in the title of this post. Or is it?) before I left IPBA since my hair had grown unpleasant visually and aromatically. Now, my hair looks silky smooth and smells glorious, though the fact that I had shaven it nearly bald might have given it an additional shine. I also love how the shampoo eases my headaches no matter how bad or why, be it overheating, oversleeping or overthinking, among other things. It works wonders!

My niece is having a time of her life lately. I guess any 2-year-old single child would be. I watch her receiving undivided love from people surrounding her, getting new toys and enjoying these prized precious possessions until she's all exhausted and sweating. It reminds me of myself at her age. I got everything that I wanted and I owned the world. I'm glad she has the chance to experience such wide-eyed joy and excitement. I just desperately hope that it never comes with a price that she'll have to pay later when she's all grown up.

The price that I have to pay.

Perhaps I need to go shampoo now.

"Cliche Guevara"

I spent the day reading Tom Gabel’s blog, tracing my way through the posts in rewind. I recently got into Against Me! and found the man to be quite interesting. I don’t want to be singing praises or displaying my (totally heterosexual) fondness of the guy here, though. It just that it reminds me of how I did the same with Claudio Sanchez’s (for a brief period since it hasn’t been updated) and Jason Mraz’s blogs. They really got me hooked and I enjoy reading about their yarns, opinions, personal struggles and fun times as much as I do watching movies and TV series.

There’s something about the fast-paced life of a touring musician that fascinates me. It’s not just about earning money doing something you love, visiting new places and making new acquaintances each day. I want to know about the unpredictability of life on the road, the changes it causes to the artist as a person and how the whole experience teaches them and defines their overall outlook on life and everything.

I also love reading about the attitudes and philosophies that they stand for. These people are autonomous men who think on their own feet. While influences from others are apparent, they don’t actually seek for endorsement from others since they truly believe in themselves. For so long, this has been my ultimate hope of my upcoming adulthood. I desperately ache to change. I want to be the guy in the future who, when he meets my 23 year-old self, would be ashamed that he knows me at all. I want him to shake my 23 year-old self and scream at my face ruthlessly, “What the hell are you doing!?”.

At this point, my lifestyle is the direct opposite of sophistication. I am not social person, I don’t read, I haven’t got my finger on the pulse of the world and I don’t think much except for morbid destructive things. In short, I am a little useless sad guy who resides in the lowest and furthest rank possible from successful touring musicians. Even if they just happen to have an interesting job and are actually ordinary people with their own everyday ups and downs.

Like a kid wishing to be their favourite superhero, I really like to live these people’s lives. At such time when (for undisclosed reasons) I feel my life has already been dragged to a halt before it commences, I feel the need to daydream about something real that someone else is experiencing at this very moment. Being a touring rockstar is certainly not a fairy tale and this resonates with me. The interesting eventful life is something that I wish for but on the other hand, the frustrations and hopelessness that they can’t escape reminds me that my own frustrations and hopelessness might not be exclusive to me.

Sullivan

We don't share continents
Or worlds for that matter
But he gave me something
It pulled myself together

He never did know my name
Or a name like mine
The other day he died
It made me think for a while

I read about it out of nowhere
I was silenced by a phrase
It didn't freeze my blood
But my sight dimmed for a day

Saw his life through a peephole
Felt his energy through sound bites
The other day Sullivan died
It made me think for a while

.

I’ve seen your secrets. I wish I’ve never dug them out.

I’m trying so hard each day not to resort to hate since I can’t bear regretting it later. Yet, I could not muster another feeling for you. I am confused. Should I put on an endearing smile as if everything is alright? Should I keep on looking for the bright side of things and ignore everything that lurks in the shadows? Or should I not think or feel at all and just accept things as they are?

I don’t know. You tell me. You’re supposed to be the one with the plan. It’s just hard to believe that desperation has actually been a part of the plan all along. You’re supposed to be the example for me. It’s just hard to accept that all that I should be is everything that you’re not. You're supposed to be many things that you're not. So, you tell me.

How I wish that you’d tell me. I believe I am man enough to face the truth, no matter how ugly it is and no matter how it contradicts each aspect of what I have been picturing my past, present and future to be. I’m strong enough to overlook told lies and receive the hidden reality. I’ve grown and am ready enough to find that my whole life so far has only been the sweet and colourful icing of a rotten moldy cake. I’m well-prepared to see that my future will not be bathed in shiny sunlight as I have hoped it will be. I’m strong enough to discover that this bullshit is endless.

But I’m too frail to find out from anyone but you yourself.

The Importance of Being Idle

"Lonesome is the only way that I truly feel free"
- MxPx, Lonesome Town.




(I think Twitter is lame but I haven't been inspired to write longer posts for quite some time. Way to go!)

She Would Turn 34 Today

I have so many things to tell you,
So many stories to share,
I wish the door would open and you would walk in smiling,
But you'd never be there.

*Al-fatihah for Allahyarham Riza Marina bt Abd Razak, my dearly beloved and deeply missed sister. It has been 2 years and I miss her so damn much.

Sebulan Aje Lagi

False alarm, it wasn’t the end,
Seems we meet each other again,
Heave relief, it isn’t so bad,
Another year will wait around ahead

Another year is just a blur
Can’t figure out what I’m after
More hours in my hands than I need,
But I’m slowly releasing the grip.

Inertia tosses me
As time accelerates
I’d regain my poise in a minute
Except I never did

These are our good old days
Moments we’ll wish to retrieve
But I’ll finally see it years too late

In our hazy sight, tomorrow waits,
And our footprints left behind will fade.

Record Producer at Work

Gotta hire the best

Maaf Zahir Batin...

...and Selamat Hari Raya, everyone.

Do have fun. Celebrate. Feel glorious. Be grateful.

Unless we don't really deserve it.

-Hisyam

These Are The Good Old Days

First and foremost, Coheed and Cambria was two weeks ago. This blog has been devoid of updates since my laptop is really messed up lately. Anyway, the gig was great, despite a few shortcomings which I have already gotten over (and not worth mentioning). In the previous post, I talked about a guy who I envied for meeting the band at the airport. Well, turned out that I met him at the gig and hung out with him and another die-hard fan throughout those few exhilarating hours. After the show, I approached the tour manager to find out whether we could catch the band on their way away at the airport. Their departure time was very untimely since I got to be in IPBA in the morning but the other two new friends endured the exhaustion and waited for them at KLIA. The result was photos of them with the band having a good time and me being miserable looking at the photos. Haha. So, that was the end of my fanboyism episode.

Anyway, lately I've been thinking about these last few months as a student. Soon, I'll be completely out of my comfort zone into total adulthood. These are the good old days that I'll remember later but I don't know if I'm prepared. I suck horribly at coping with changes and I succumb to misery when life passes by too fast.

Fanboyism (Current Level : Unbearable Excitement)

Disclaimer: This post will be filled with childish remarks. Fanboyism, when not treated, could inevitably cause this. Keep your distance if this kind of thing irks you (as it does to even me).

I was surfing Facebook (using Dzeti's account. I've let her reset my password and keep it as a secret, for reasons not to be revealed). Checked out Coheed's page and there's a picture of a Malay dude welcoming them at KLIA. Dang! Jealousy elevates skyward.

I'm preparing myself for the big night, which turned out to be tomorrow (I thought it would be on Monday till Dzeti reminded me this morning) so I'm maximizing the Coheedistic spirits in me with some rituals such as ironing the band T-shirt (which has been worn a thousand times, as most probably noticed by people around me), sliding the ticket and KillAudio hardcover neatly into my bag, preparing photos to be signed during meet and greet and once this is all done, I'm impatiently waiting for these 18 hours to lapse, all with nothing but Coheed discography in endless loops in the background.

As evident here, fanboyism can also result in run-on sentences. And I'm quite surprised that I managed to type without caps and multiple exclamation marks.

OHMIGOD COHEED'S GIG EEZ TOMORRROOWW!!!!!! OH MAN I CAN BARELY CONTAIN MYSELFF!!!!













Damn! Almost.

Fanboyism Part 2

Some exciting updates from Junk website. Love Me Butch will open for Coheed. Yay, I only get to get glimpses of their energetic performances through Youtube all this while. And another thing, Coheed will hold a meet-and-greet session before the show. Meeting Claudio for the third time! Can't wait for 1st of August.

This Kinda Coo Yaw

The other night I wanted to prepare some character cards to help kids learn about "Phantom of The Opera". I intended to make something like those Pokemon or Marvel trading cards that I used to treasure as a child. I wondered if they were templates online and I discovered this really cool character trading card generator.

Check it out at http://www.readwritethink.org/files/resources/interactives/trading_cards/ and do see what other stuffs ReadWriteThink has to offer.

While-Reading Activity

Instruction: Read the blog post and answer the following question.
===============================================

Each time I stride away from the classroom, I'm a gentle man.

Gentle. Man.

I speak femininely since my throat is worn out from all the straining of voice. I walk tenderly since each ounce of my energy has been depleted. I'm a warm person who smiles at everyone since the ferocious half of me has been let loose to run riot.

Each time I stride away from the classroom, I'm a gentle man but moments ago, I was a whole different being.

I was a carnivorous animal that preyed on kids.

Reading Comprehension Exercise
========================

The last sentence suggests that the author...
A. was extremely fierce in front of kids.
B. was not in his human form in the classroom.
C. literally ate kids for lunch.
D. had pedophillic tendencies.

You get a smiley ( :-) ) if you answer A.

Che'Gu

Hari-hari che'gu tidur,
Che'gu sudah tidur,
Mari kita main.

Fanboyism...

...is costly.

Roboticize

I have spent so much time, years in fact, thinking about making changes that all I am capable now is thinking. I have indulged myself in the dark for so long that I have grown accustomed to it. I have spent too much time in escapism that it's all I need to escape from.

I predicted, no, I hoped, that my new pattern of everyday life would give me a good whip on the butt and drive me forth. It's ungrateful to say that no steps in that direction have been made. I'm grown-up enough to notice the little positivity grasped along the way. But I'm also dubious enough to realize that things are actually hauling me in deeper into the quicksand. Illusions of strength are shattered. Hidden flaws are eventually undisclosed. And are aplenty. A logical sequence of thought would attach all of these to the whole journey of self-finding and self-improvement. But logic is not my strong point. Let’s say your mind games have already rendered a significant part of your being worthless, useless and purposeless. So when all what’s left of you are proven by the unforgiving force of reality to be defective, what is really left of you?

So here I am with a solution. More like a theory. One for me to try to validate myself. You take inspiration from robots. Roboticize yourself. Gather all your emotions and all the thoughts that can stem from emotions. The self-loathing thoughts, the distraction thoughts, the so-called happy thoughts. Package all of these in a box. Seal it with a hundred layers of masking tape. Toss it away a hundred miles. Now utilize all what’s left of your mind to sort out things you have no options of not doing. Execute these things with your soulless body. Keep doing this until… I don’t know. That’s the furthest I can think of right now. But maybe something good will come out of this. I’ll be doing myself proud if I can achieve it.

People have likened their ordinary lives to robotic existence. Some of them find solace in it, some tolerate it and others complain about it. But all things considered, they are all living it. What does it make me if all I want to do, all I genuinely desire to do right now is to become like these robots?

At least they are robots. I’m only a piece of rusty scrap metal.

Have You Actually Lived Lately?

I'm almost ashamed to answer that question truthfully.

Between Rock and a Hard Music

Let's say theoretically, one day you are stuck between exactly two options. There is no way out, you are cornered in every angle. Let's assume that you are held at gunpoint, just to spice things up. You are forced to choose option A while you might be able to choose option B, which is closer to your heart.

Option A : Someone particularly important in your life asks for a big favour from you. One so big that it is unacceptable outside this little circle of relationship you have with this someone. Do know that it is one so big that it will burden you gradually more and more in the future. But do also know that it's not as big as the favours this someone has done for you all this while. That's if you want to refer to those stuffs as "favours".

Option B : You hate this, it pains you so badly that this someone is in this position right now. You want to place blame but the blame might be shared with you. You want to fully despise this person but with despise comes love that can't be erased. All these conflicting thoughts and rationalizing are giving you itch where you cannot reach. An itch, not so bad, but it gives you a feeling so uncomfortable unlike anything else. But in spite of the entangled mess in your heart, do know that hate prevails. So in this option, you will give this someone the favour but without any ounce of sincerity or peace at heart.

To sort your way out of this, you ask yourself : Here you are with two options, none of which makes you happy, but which option will you regret more for not taking? Turns out that this compromise is the real favour here.

Skinner and Bandura Are Raging Inside Me

So there goes the fourth day of practicum. Second day of teaching. My lesson today was disappointing. The students did learn some stuffs but I failed to impress myself. Yet, all things considered, today was a bit better than yesterday. People say the best way to learn how to do something well is by actually doing it. We improve ourselves as we go along. The diminutive optimist inside me holds to this principle. Or maybe I'm just giving myself excuses for giving embarrassing lessons. After 5 freaking years of training.

All in all, as a particular lady I knew always says, perhaps I should just suck it up.

I'm exhausted, my mind is turbulent and my thoughts have no bearing. I'm going to take a shower and will hopefully be able to initiate my process of sucking it up.

Hard.

The Song I Can Never Finish

A lukewarm evening, still my blood froze in my veins,
I wonder how I looked
With a face that failed to show an emotion.

Worlds away is an untimely place to be,
When you’re the receiving end
Of the news you wish you’ve never been given.

The city dimmed and the noises and voices dissolved,
The whole world kept its distance,
And I was so scared,
Wasn’t quite prepared,
For a life without you.

You’re a story unforgotten,
Safely sealed in our minds,
Your little room still looks the same,
All the things you left behind.

A lady grown by trials,
A kid full of smiles,
The youthful queen,
No one can take your title,
Your heart is pure,
Your love just poured
From a body so frail,
From all the pain you ignored.

You’re a story unforgotten,
Safely sealed here in my mind,
Will you wait there in heaven?
If I could earn my invite.

I'm in a debt I can never repay,
I am forever wishing,
That I could be,
That I could be,
That I could be the brother you deserved.

Old Habits Die Hard

Especially when they begin singlehandedly defining the person you are. You are no longer able to pinpoint any consistent positivity about yourself and in turn recognize yourself as someone who does the same things over and over again. Things that you’ll regret doing but then are repeated out of deficient self-discipline.

You have been trying to combat the temptations and you have resolutely devised master plans for a full mental and spiritual overhaul and at some points there were some indications of triumph, you feel this comfortable feeling of renewal but only for very brief moments, because shortly after, you revert to your old self. The very person you almost exclusively despise.

You do enjoy the fun little treats you experience once in awhile but some time afterwards, you don't favour them much. They are memories worth remembering but then you convince yourself that you don't deserve smiles and laughter on the exterior side of your skin since underneath, you are a big ball of mess and you haven't sorted out yourself. So, what's the point of those tiny moments of joyful goodness? The nature of the situation below the surface erases the value and meaning of these moments. You suddenly ridicule yourself for having vacations from this struggle, vacations that you are convinced you don't deserve though a weaker part of you knows for sure that those vacations might be the key to finding your lost self. You know that they are all facets of life, the ups and downs. But you are way past that notion. You now subscribe to the perception that the downs are what's real, the ups are not genuine in any sense. You are convinced of this because you haven't felt a true appreciation of the high points of your days for quite some time. The so-called gratitude and enjoyment you display are all superficial.

This neverending struggle tires you and exhausts your faith in yourself. You begin accepting these habits as a significant part of you, if not as the whole, which then obstructs all your potentials (if there are any) and thus, causes you to embrace mediocrity. You are fine this way until you witness a life of grandeur and vigour as led by others and begin feeling depressed and powerless. But at other times, you see people around you being ordinary, facing problems, living simple and still finding joy in each little thing in life. You figure you can do it too. So you take little time to strategize how to generate changes in your life, you execute the plan, feel better but you need to be damn lucky to remain that way for at least another day. You know you’ll take up the undying old habits again.

There’s no escape. I've been trying for more than two years. But I guess if I am able to keep on trying, even now and then, at least I haven’t surrendered 100% (though I surely don't earn any right to sound this optimistic).

Guilty as Charged

How do you react when your mind begins to make some associations and ends up assuring you that a past tragedy can be traced back to your old ignorant self? And it turns out that you have never changed a bit?

And no matter from which angle you try to rationalize, the pessimistic part of you always gets the last laugh? And looking at the bright side of things has never been so unconvincing?

I need stronger dosage of distractions. Or maybe something else, I don't know.

The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me...

...is a 2006 album by Brand New.

It's quite a dark collection of songs, perhaps not so much in terms of lyrics (some of the tracks have rather optimistic undertones) but more on the general mood that echoes throughout its span. It's emotional, deals with conflicting issues and can be pretty grim at certain points. And I think this is the most fitting album to resonate with how I feel at present. It might as well represent my mental, emotional and spiritual conditions for these recent years.

What kind of person defines his life by an album by some rock band? Someone pretty messed up in the head, I guess.

Maybe if I hang on long enough, I will eventually feel like this one...

I Woke Up To This The Other Day

And today?


My second Coheed gig, weehee.

Arm yourself to rock out this August. Man your own jackhammer!

Read This To Her

What have I ever done
To be rewarded with you
Standing by me all the time?
I wish I knew.
Have I earned this endless stream
Of memories I live with you?
Never asked myself these
But now I do.

I’ve grown too used
To the brightness of my days
You shine for me
But I just don’t appreciate.
My apologies
More overused than cliché’s
I’ve taken you for granted
Given in to selfish ways.

Can’t believe what I share with you
Is said with words that don’t ring true
Can’t imagine all the pain
I’ve dragged you through.
I’ve bitten way more promises
More than I can ever chew
Do I deserve the chance
To start anew?

So I could give you
The happiness you’re long due
Give you a real lover
Instead of a fool.
Takes longer than a night
To change, oh what a shame
But I will give it a try
I don’t want to be the same,

Again.

Celebrating The Birth of.

Exactly 23 years ago at this moment, she came into this world.

She was meant to live an eventful life, in which every single day would be filled with laughter. And she was meant to complete lives of others. She still does.

Today, she has turned another year older. But she still stays the same lady like no other.

Happy Birthday ke 23 saya ucapkan kepada Dzeti Alfina Mohd Dashilah.

Terima kasih dan minta maaf seikhlas hati atas kelemahan dan kelalaian diri tak menandingi kasih sayang anda.

Have a great one.

My birthday girl.