.

I’ve seen your secrets. I wish I’ve never dug them out.

I’m trying so hard each day not to resort to hate since I can’t bear regretting it later. Yet, I could not muster another feeling for you. I am confused. Should I put on an endearing smile as if everything is alright? Should I keep on looking for the bright side of things and ignore everything that lurks in the shadows? Or should I not think or feel at all and just accept things as they are?

I don’t know. You tell me. You’re supposed to be the one with the plan. It’s just hard to believe that desperation has actually been a part of the plan all along. You’re supposed to be the example for me. It’s just hard to accept that all that I should be is everything that you’re not. You're supposed to be many things that you're not. So, you tell me.

How I wish that you’d tell me. I believe I am man enough to face the truth, no matter how ugly it is and no matter how it contradicts each aspect of what I have been picturing my past, present and future to be. I’m strong enough to overlook told lies and receive the hidden reality. I’ve grown and am ready enough to find that my whole life so far has only been the sweet and colourful icing of a rotten moldy cake. I’m well-prepared to see that my future will not be bathed in shiny sunlight as I have hoped it will be. I’m strong enough to discover that this bullshit is endless.

But I’m too frail to find out from anyone but you yourself.