Wednesday, January 28, 2009

How To Insult The Whole World

By causing extensive so-called 'collateral damage' and saying unacceptable things like "We're doing what other countries will do to protect its citizens". With an arrogant straight face.

You shouldn't say that. You insulted us all. We are extremely offended.

We are not like you.

So please. Don't confuse us with ruthless inhumane murderers like you. It's simply disgusting.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Days In Circles

Waking up in the afternoon usually leaves my throat dry. So these little oranges never fail to ease my thirst. Never run out of it.

The routine I have established after that never lasts longer than an hour (bath, prayer, lunch, newspaper). By then, I'd be clueless what to do. So I'd sit around and play this thing.

After my fingertips turn sore, I'd give my ears a break from my own horrible singing by clicking this button and let the playlist flow, for hours.

Meanwhile, I would pass my time, by watching time passes...

...and enjoying fresh air, which comes out of this.

By night, tired of having an idle day, I'd resort to more productive things like turning on the TV by pushing this button

Okay, I think I'm embarrassing myself here. But you get the idea what I go through daily. So the fifty buck question is - Do I deserve to hope that by the time summer break ends, I will not turn into this ball-like creature?

Monday, January 26, 2009

Safety Tip For Today (..Only?)

A situation forces you to withdraw money from an ATM at a silent dark place. No one else is around, except some suspicious looking unfriendly faces.

Do not be paranoid. Stop worrying. Be calm and let's see what we can do

1. Stash the money into your wallet swiftly
2. Put on a sad face. Optional : Recall the ending of your favourite Malay drama and let the tears flow.
3. Sigh loudly.
4. Walk like a zombie
5. Loudly, say to your friend (pretend you have one around if you don't) things like "Not in yet", "Hmm tak masuk lagi la" or "Yilek..."

Chances are, no one will bother you. And if it's your lucky night, someone will even approach you, comfort you and insist on handing you some free cash.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Hoi Bagi Signal La!

Our road safety campaigns will soon withdraw polite and family-friendly slogans like "Pandu Cermat Jiwa Selamat" and "Ingatlah Orang Tersayang". More in-your-face approaches will be adopted and the first reminder in line is going to be "Use Your Da*n Signal Or Die!!!". Yes, with three exclamation marks.

At least that's what I hope will happen. Apart from somebody up there deciding to take these neglectful drivers who never give signals before turning or switching lanes to court and imprison them or ban them from driving for life. We already keep children away from knives and now we need to keep these people away from cars.

What do I have against this type of human beings anyway? The answers are these:

1. It's not hard. At all. Even the most intellectually handicapped among us can figure out how to operate the car signal device. It only requires the tiniest amount of effort and the slightest movement of muscles to flick the switch. How lazy can one be? Looking at the other drivers on the road nowadays suggest one simple answer - Most exceptionally lazy beyond measure.

2. How many times do they think they can get away with this? Till when will their lucky stars keep on shining? And let me propose one practical question that everyone should ask constantly when our hands are gripped on the steering wheel : What are the odds between things happening and not happening? 50% to 50%, at LEAST. And you're correct, I'm referring to accidents. I'm not personally acquainted to anyone named Murphy but his law states that "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong" (which, by the way, makes riding roller coasters a bad idea. But I do enjoy them). And taking things out of the brackets, it is completely fine with roller coasters. My decision to ride Superman Escape at Movie World can only mess up my own life, not other people's.

3. No, my family and I are not blessed with some miraculous powers that enable us to read minds or see the future. That means, no, we really are unaware if they suddenly intend to take a turn or especially switch lanes. And guess what, lack of this ability endangers our lives indeed. We cannot hear their thoughts about overtaking that slow but cautious driver in front of us, so we cannot plan our action in the upcoming 3 seconds or so. What could possibly happen? So, yes, please bear with us and please help us know by using that dang signal. And by the way, I'm sure none of my friends and relatives is gifted with that kind of power. So, please help them too.

4. And if anyone thinks it defines what's cool, they're wrong. You can argue that smoking turns a loser into a chick magnet but you don't stand a chance applying the same notion to not giving signals. Apart from possessing Ferraris or whatnot, there is no other way to look impressive in traffic. And no, your ordinary cars modified with oversize exhaust and loud noises just do not cut it too.

In short, I believe if everybody starts caring just a little bit and makes use of their car signals, number of deaths can be cut down. Yup, it does look ugly in the statistics now so please wake up. Apart from that, we can conclude that Hisyam can surely rant about stuffs.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Importance of Being Able To Laugh At Yourself

Case Study 1

1. Hisyam gloriously returned to his motherland and decided to sign up for "M broadband*" right away. It read '3.6 mbps' on the leaflet and that screamed "heartwarming downloading experience!" right into his ears.

2. The nauseating connection rate rang him a wake-up call. Waking from a flawless broadband dream, that peak speed suddenly appeared too good to be true. It turns out that instead of 'megaBYTE per second', that 'mbp' actually stands for 'megaBIT per second'. Which is not much, at all.

3. Despite feeling like a complete sucker, Hisyam laughs rolling in the aisles. Let him be and do not bother giving him any patronizing pat on the back.

Case Study 2

1. The guy in the "M broadband*" booth also told our poor guy Hisyam here that there would be no minimum contract period for the registration. Hisyam, with a satisfied looking grin, thought there'd be nothing at stake if he tried out this sophisticated piece of technology. If it turns out horrible, he'd just simply terminate his subscription. Hmm, a perfect plan, he reckoned.

2. Two weeks later, he read out the brochure, and in innocently tiny letters, it said "There is no minimum contract period. A handling fee of RM200 is payable if you discontinue the service before 12 months".

3. Although that term is undeniably a bunch of misleading bollocks and it makes Hisyam feel like a giant Chupa Chup since his signature proves that he faithfully agrees with it, he can't help but laugh at his own moron-isme. He thought he was so smart that no tricks could manuever him into believing something false. He never stops guffawing and it would be so kind of you if you can chuckle along.


Don't take Terms and Conditions for granted. And don't lose yourself in the shiny smiles on the ads. Things aren't always what they seem. Or rather, things always aren't what they seem.

*No prizes for guessing the exact brand correctly. Or would you still like a cookie?

Friday, January 9, 2009

I Bring To You... A New Year

Hullo my dear hopefully-soon-to-be-existant readers!

Nine days into the new year, has it been off to a flying start? Or have your newly embraced resolutions already begun submerging? Yes, 365 or so days are a lot of time. A whole lot of time for a) fun stuffs to be sacrificed or b) serious stuffs to be compromised. So if this year, I can make the balanced scale tilt downwards on the serious side, I'd feel like a million bucks.

Just that I do feel that I haven't done much in my first year in Auckland. All that I could recollect are an endless stream of lectures and assignments, plenty of hours of doing nothing in my room, some recurring occasions of kebab eating, a lot of Mc Donald's burger patties and a pair of denim shorts. Certainly I have done a lot of memorable things like rafting, Luging, exploring South Island in winter, skiing, making snowman, learning to love and hate snow on the same day and getting close to sheeps (wrongo! Correction : sheep. Uncountable noun. Sorry, though my English tuition has ended - phew - I still pretty much haven't got out of character). Not to mention I had my good friends and beloved one with me through these historical events. But I do feel that I should have done more.

Maybe getting involved in recreational but beneficial stuffs like Dyau with his weekly butchery (a.k.a fencing), Nigel with his bag-pipe band and some other instances. Perhaps study more seriously and do every assignment as if my soul is at stake. Probably somehow reach a greater height in terms of my intellectual state so that I can have effortless conversations with John Hope or those kind of people. Heck, I can't even handle a 20-second small talk with a stranger in the lift. Also maybe (no, this is surely) snap pictures of me and the name of the places I visit, as my mother pointed out. Yep, I do feel like going to Christchurch, Kaikoura, Tauranga, Piha Beach and all those other locations again just because I didn't take any picture that contain their names. I might as well show the photos I have now to my relatives and say "This one is in North Pole. We took a short detour on our way to Dunedin" and chances are they'd believe me.

So, those are the things I wish I would do this time around. By the end of this year, I would revisit this post and God knows if I will feel like a million bucks or I will simply feel like poop.

Till next time.