Fanboyism Part 2

Some exciting updates from Junk website. Love Me Butch will open for Coheed. Yay, I only get to get glimpses of their energetic performances through Youtube all this while. And another thing, Coheed will hold a meet-and-greet session before the show. Meeting Claudio for the third time! Can't wait for 1st of August.

This Kinda Coo Yaw

The other night I wanted to prepare some character cards to help kids learn about "Phantom of The Opera". I intended to make something like those Pokemon or Marvel trading cards that I used to treasure as a child. I wondered if they were templates online and I discovered this really cool character trading card generator.

Check it out at http://www.readwritethink.org/files/resources/interactives/trading_cards/ and do see what other stuffs ReadWriteThink has to offer.

While-Reading Activity

Instruction: Read the blog post and answer the following question.
===============================================

Each time I stride away from the classroom, I'm a gentle man.

Gentle. Man.

I speak femininely since my throat is worn out from all the straining of voice. I walk tenderly since each ounce of my energy has been depleted. I'm a warm person who smiles at everyone since the ferocious half of me has been let loose to run riot.

Each time I stride away from the classroom, I'm a gentle man but moments ago, I was a whole different being.

I was a carnivorous animal that preyed on kids.

Reading Comprehension Exercise
========================

The last sentence suggests that the author...
A. was extremely fierce in front of kids.
B. was not in his human form in the classroom.
C. literally ate kids for lunch.
D. had pedophillic tendencies.

You get a smiley ( :-) ) if you answer A.

Che'Gu

Hari-hari che'gu tidur,
Che'gu sudah tidur,
Mari kita main.

Fanboyism...

...is costly.

Roboticize

I have spent so much time, years in fact, thinking about making changes that all I am capable now is thinking. I have indulged myself in the dark for so long that I have grown accustomed to it. I have spent too much time in escapism that it's all I need to escape from.

I predicted, no, I hoped, that my new pattern of everyday life would give me a good whip on the butt and drive me forth. It's ungrateful to say that no steps in that direction have been made. I'm grown-up enough to notice the little positivity grasped along the way. But I'm also dubious enough to realize that things are actually hauling me in deeper into the quicksand. Illusions of strength are shattered. Hidden flaws are eventually undisclosed. And are aplenty. A logical sequence of thought would attach all of these to the whole journey of self-finding and self-improvement. But logic is not my strong point. Let’s say your mind games have already rendered a significant part of your being worthless, useless and purposeless. So when all what’s left of you are proven by the unforgiving force of reality to be defective, what is really left of you?

So here I am with a solution. More like a theory. One for me to try to validate myself. You take inspiration from robots. Roboticize yourself. Gather all your emotions and all the thoughts that can stem from emotions. The self-loathing thoughts, the distraction thoughts, the so-called happy thoughts. Package all of these in a box. Seal it with a hundred layers of masking tape. Toss it away a hundred miles. Now utilize all what’s left of your mind to sort out things you have no options of not doing. Execute these things with your soulless body. Keep doing this until… I don’t know. That’s the furthest I can think of right now. But maybe something good will come out of this. I’ll be doing myself proud if I can achieve it.

People have likened their ordinary lives to robotic existence. Some of them find solace in it, some tolerate it and others complain about it. But all things considered, they are all living it. What does it make me if all I want to do, all I genuinely desire to do right now is to become like these robots?

At least they are robots. I’m only a piece of rusty scrap metal.

Have You Actually Lived Lately?

I'm almost ashamed to answer that question truthfully.

Between Rock and a Hard Music

Let's say theoretically, one day you are stuck between exactly two options. There is no way out, you are cornered in every angle. Let's assume that you are held at gunpoint, just to spice things up. You are forced to choose option A while you might be able to choose option B, which is closer to your heart.

Option A : Someone particularly important in your life asks for a big favour from you. One so big that it is unacceptable outside this little circle of relationship you have with this someone. Do know that it is one so big that it will burden you gradually more and more in the future. But do also know that it's not as big as the favours this someone has done for you all this while. That's if you want to refer to those stuffs as "favours".

Option B : You hate this, it pains you so badly that this someone is in this position right now. You want to place blame but the blame might be shared with you. You want to fully despise this person but with despise comes love that can't be erased. All these conflicting thoughts and rationalizing are giving you itch where you cannot reach. An itch, not so bad, but it gives you a feeling so uncomfortable unlike anything else. But in spite of the entangled mess in your heart, do know that hate prevails. So in this option, you will give this someone the favour but without any ounce of sincerity or peace at heart.

To sort your way out of this, you ask yourself : Here you are with two options, none of which makes you happy, but which option will you regret more for not taking? Turns out that this compromise is the real favour here.

Skinner and Bandura Are Raging Inside Me

So there goes the fourth day of practicum. Second day of teaching. My lesson today was disappointing. The students did learn some stuffs but I failed to impress myself. Yet, all things considered, today was a bit better than yesterday. People say the best way to learn how to do something well is by actually doing it. We improve ourselves as we go along. The diminutive optimist inside me holds to this principle. Or maybe I'm just giving myself excuses for giving embarrassing lessons. After 5 freaking years of training.

All in all, as a particular lady I knew always says, perhaps I should just suck it up.

I'm exhausted, my mind is turbulent and my thoughts have no bearing. I'm going to take a shower and will hopefully be able to initiate my process of sucking it up.

Hard.

The Song I Can Never Finish

A lukewarm evening, still my blood froze in my veins,
I wonder how I looked
With a face that failed to show an emotion.

Worlds away is an untimely place to be,
When you’re the receiving end
Of the news you wish you’ve never been given.

The city dimmed and the noises and voices dissolved,
The whole world kept its distance,
And I was so scared,
Wasn’t quite prepared,
For a life without you.

You’re a story unforgotten,
Safely sealed in our minds,
Your little room still looks the same,
All the things you left behind.

A lady grown by trials,
A kid full of smiles,
The youthful queen,
No one can take your title,
Your heart is pure,
Your love just poured
From a body so frail,
From all the pain you ignored.

You’re a story unforgotten,
Safely sealed here in my mind,
Will you wait there in heaven?
If I could earn my invite.

I'm in a debt I can never repay,
I am forever wishing,
That I could be,
That I could be,
That I could be the brother you deserved.

Old Habits Die Hard

Especially when they begin singlehandedly defining the person you are. You are no longer able to pinpoint any consistent positivity about yourself and in turn recognize yourself as someone who does the same things over and over again. Things that you’ll regret doing but then are repeated out of deficient self-discipline.

You have been trying to combat the temptations and you have resolutely devised master plans for a full mental and spiritual overhaul and at some points there were some indications of triumph, you feel this comfortable feeling of renewal but only for very brief moments, because shortly after, you revert to your old self. The very person you almost exclusively despise.

You do enjoy the fun little treats you experience once in awhile but some time afterwards, you don't favour them much. They are memories worth remembering but then you convince yourself that you don't deserve smiles and laughter on the exterior side of your skin since underneath, you are a big ball of mess and you haven't sorted out yourself. So, what's the point of those tiny moments of joyful goodness? The nature of the situation below the surface erases the value and meaning of these moments. You suddenly ridicule yourself for having vacations from this struggle, vacations that you are convinced you don't deserve though a weaker part of you knows for sure that those vacations might be the key to finding your lost self. You know that they are all facets of life, the ups and downs. But you are way past that notion. You now subscribe to the perception that the downs are what's real, the ups are not genuine in any sense. You are convinced of this because you haven't felt a true appreciation of the high points of your days for quite some time. The so-called gratitude and enjoyment you display are all superficial.

This neverending struggle tires you and exhausts your faith in yourself. You begin accepting these habits as a significant part of you, if not as the whole, which then obstructs all your potentials (if there are any) and thus, causes you to embrace mediocrity. You are fine this way until you witness a life of grandeur and vigour as led by others and begin feeling depressed and powerless. But at other times, you see people around you being ordinary, facing problems, living simple and still finding joy in each little thing in life. You figure you can do it too. So you take little time to strategize how to generate changes in your life, you execute the plan, feel better but you need to be damn lucky to remain that way for at least another day. You know you’ll take up the undying old habits again.

There’s no escape. I've been trying for more than two years. But I guess if I am able to keep on trying, even now and then, at least I haven’t surrendered 100% (though I surely don't earn any right to sound this optimistic).

Guilty as Charged

How do you react when your mind begins to make some associations and ends up assuring you that a past tragedy can be traced back to your old ignorant self? And it turns out that you have never changed a bit?

And no matter from which angle you try to rationalize, the pessimistic part of you always gets the last laugh? And looking at the bright side of things has never been so unconvincing?

I need stronger dosage of distractions. Or maybe something else, I don't know.