Old Habits Die Hard

Especially when they begin singlehandedly defining the person you are. You are no longer able to pinpoint any consistent positivity about yourself and in turn recognize yourself as someone who does the same things over and over again. Things that you’ll regret doing but then are repeated out of deficient self-discipline.

You have been trying to combat the temptations and you have resolutely devised master plans for a full mental and spiritual overhaul and at some points there were some indications of triumph, you feel this comfortable feeling of renewal but only for very brief moments, because shortly after, you revert to your old self. The very person you almost exclusively despise.

You do enjoy the fun little treats you experience once in awhile but some time afterwards, you don't favour them much. They are memories worth remembering but then you convince yourself that you don't deserve smiles and laughter on the exterior side of your skin since underneath, you are a big ball of mess and you haven't sorted out yourself. So, what's the point of those tiny moments of joyful goodness? The nature of the situation below the surface erases the value and meaning of these moments. You suddenly ridicule yourself for having vacations from this struggle, vacations that you are convinced you don't deserve though a weaker part of you knows for sure that those vacations might be the key to finding your lost self. You know that they are all facets of life, the ups and downs. But you are way past that notion. You now subscribe to the perception that the downs are what's real, the ups are not genuine in any sense. You are convinced of this because you haven't felt a true appreciation of the high points of your days for quite some time. The so-called gratitude and enjoyment you display are all superficial.

This neverending struggle tires you and exhausts your faith in yourself. You begin accepting these habits as a significant part of you, if not as the whole, which then obstructs all your potentials (if there are any) and thus, causes you to embrace mediocrity. You are fine this way until you witness a life of grandeur and vigour as led by others and begin feeling depressed and powerless. But at other times, you see people around you being ordinary, facing problems, living simple and still finding joy in each little thing in life. You figure you can do it too. So you take little time to strategize how to generate changes in your life, you execute the plan, feel better but you need to be damn lucky to remain that way for at least another day. You know you’ll take up the undying old habits again.

There’s no escape. I've been trying for more than two years. But I guess if I am able to keep on trying, even now and then, at least I haven’t surrendered 100% (though I surely don't earn any right to sound this optimistic).