Skinner and Bandura Are Raging Inside Me

So there goes the fourth day of practicum. Second day of teaching. My lesson today was disappointing. The students did learn some stuffs but I failed to impress myself. Yet, all things considered, today was a bit better than yesterday. People say the best way to learn how to do something well is by actually doing it. We improve ourselves as we go along. The diminutive optimist inside me holds to this principle. Or maybe I'm just giving myself excuses for giving embarrassing lessons. After 5 freaking years of training.

All in all, as a particular lady I knew always says, perhaps I should just suck it up.

I'm exhausted, my mind is turbulent and my thoughts have no bearing. I'm going to take a shower and will hopefully be able to initiate my process of sucking it up.

Hard.

The Song I Can Never Finish

A lukewarm evening, still my blood froze in my veins,
I wonder how I looked
With a face that failed to show an emotion.

Worlds away is an untimely place to be,
When you’re the receiving end
Of the news you wish you’ve never been given.

The city dimmed and the noises and voices dissolved,
The whole world kept its distance,
And I was so scared,
Wasn’t quite prepared,
For a life without you.

You’re a story unforgotten,
Safely sealed in our minds,
Your little room still looks the same,
All the things you left behind.

A lady grown by trials,
A kid full of smiles,
The youthful queen,
No one can take your title,
Your heart is pure,
Your love just poured
From a body so frail,
From all the pain you ignored.

You’re a story unforgotten,
Safely sealed here in my mind,
Will you wait there in heaven?
If I could earn my invite.

I'm in a debt I can never repay,
I am forever wishing,
That I could be,
That I could be,
That I could be the brother you deserved.

Old Habits Die Hard

Especially when they begin singlehandedly defining the person you are. You are no longer able to pinpoint any consistent positivity about yourself and in turn recognize yourself as someone who does the same things over and over again. Things that you’ll regret doing but then are repeated out of deficient self-discipline.

You have been trying to combat the temptations and you have resolutely devised master plans for a full mental and spiritual overhaul and at some points there were some indications of triumph, you feel this comfortable feeling of renewal but only for very brief moments, because shortly after, you revert to your old self. The very person you almost exclusively despise.

You do enjoy the fun little treats you experience once in awhile but some time afterwards, you don't favour them much. They are memories worth remembering but then you convince yourself that you don't deserve smiles and laughter on the exterior side of your skin since underneath, you are a big ball of mess and you haven't sorted out yourself. So, what's the point of those tiny moments of joyful goodness? The nature of the situation below the surface erases the value and meaning of these moments. You suddenly ridicule yourself for having vacations from this struggle, vacations that you are convinced you don't deserve though a weaker part of you knows for sure that those vacations might be the key to finding your lost self. You know that they are all facets of life, the ups and downs. But you are way past that notion. You now subscribe to the perception that the downs are what's real, the ups are not genuine in any sense. You are convinced of this because you haven't felt a true appreciation of the high points of your days for quite some time. The so-called gratitude and enjoyment you display are all superficial.

This neverending struggle tires you and exhausts your faith in yourself. You begin accepting these habits as a significant part of you, if not as the whole, which then obstructs all your potentials (if there are any) and thus, causes you to embrace mediocrity. You are fine this way until you witness a life of grandeur and vigour as led by others and begin feeling depressed and powerless. But at other times, you see people around you being ordinary, facing problems, living simple and still finding joy in each little thing in life. You figure you can do it too. So you take little time to strategize how to generate changes in your life, you execute the plan, feel better but you need to be damn lucky to remain that way for at least another day. You know you’ll take up the undying old habits again.

There’s no escape. I've been trying for more than two years. But I guess if I am able to keep on trying, even now and then, at least I haven’t surrendered 100% (though I surely don't earn any right to sound this optimistic).

Guilty as Charged

How do you react when your mind begins to make some associations and ends up assuring you that a past tragedy can be traced back to your old ignorant self? And it turns out that you have never changed a bit?

And no matter from which angle you try to rationalize, the pessimistic part of you always gets the last laugh? And looking at the bright side of things has never been so unconvincing?

I need stronger dosage of distractions. Or maybe something else, I don't know.

The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me...

...is a 2006 album by Brand New.

It's quite a dark collection of songs, perhaps not so much in terms of lyrics (some of the tracks have rather optimistic undertones) but more on the general mood that echoes throughout its span. It's emotional, deals with conflicting issues and can be pretty grim at certain points. And I think this is the most fitting album to resonate with how I feel at present. It might as well represent my mental, emotional and spiritual conditions for these recent years.

What kind of person defines his life by an album by some rock band? Someone pretty messed up in the head, I guess.

Maybe if I hang on long enough, I will eventually feel like this one...

I Woke Up To This The Other Day

And today?


My second Coheed gig, weehee.

Arm yourself to rock out this August. Man your own jackhammer!

Read This To Her

What have I ever done
To be rewarded with you
Standing by me all the time?
I wish I knew.
Have I earned this endless stream
Of memories I live with you?
Never asked myself these
But now I do.

I’ve grown too used
To the brightness of my days
You shine for me
But I just don’t appreciate.
My apologies
More overused than cliché’s
I’ve taken you for granted
Given in to selfish ways.

Can’t believe what I share with you
Is said with words that don’t ring true
Can’t imagine all the pain
I’ve dragged you through.
I’ve bitten way more promises
More than I can ever chew
Do I deserve the chance
To start anew?

So I could give you
The happiness you’re long due
Give you a real lover
Instead of a fool.
Takes longer than a night
To change, oh what a shame
But I will give it a try
I don’t want to be the same,

Again.

Celebrating The Birth of.

Exactly 23 years ago at this moment, she came into this world.

She was meant to live an eventful life, in which every single day would be filled with laughter. And she was meant to complete lives of others. She still does.

Today, she has turned another year older. But she still stays the same lady like no other.

Happy Birthday ke 23 saya ucapkan kepada Dzeti Alfina Mohd Dashilah.

Terima kasih dan minta maaf seikhlas hati atas kelemahan dan kelalaian diri tak menandingi kasih sayang anda.

Have a great one.

My birthday girl.

Deja Entendu

I always tune into C4 and watch the popular music videos of today. It's nice to enjoy what casual music listeners would, once in a while. The catchiness and simplicity of pop songs should not be undervalued. It serves its own purpose well - to enliven the lives of mainstream demographics (which consist of a LOT of people). Nothing is wrong with that. I was pissed to hear Will.I.Am repeating "Tonight's gonna be a good night" all over again but if some could relate to that phrase and belt it out on top of their lungs out of happiness - Why not?

Yet, today I watched Ashley Tisdale's latest offering and I was pissed. And I could not even see the brighter side of it. My ears tingled when I heard the chorus of the new song. It blatantly copies the one in Pink's "So What". It's disgustingly cheap and it retraces my memories to similar cases with other songs. The chorus of Pink's "U + UR Hand" clearly resembles a song by The Veronicas (though I'm not bothered to find out which song came out first). One could easily sing Ciara's "Oh" on top of Cherish's "Do It To It". On another note, that song by David Arguetta and Kelly Rowland explicitly copies the piano riff from "Clocks" by Coldplay (the band which, ironically, has been accused for plagiarism before).

I'm not a fan of any of those artists and I'm not defending any of them. In fact, I'm ridiculing myself to care so much about pop artists. But as a listener, I do feel insulted. I admit it is justifiable in various ways. The songs might be written by the same people or some kind of agreement might be arranged to 'allow' such ripping off. I don't know. And I'm not glorifying myself here for identifying the similarities since I'm certain a lot of people are aware of it too. But I'm insulted by the fact that I could visualize an evil music producer saying "Let's spoon-feed the public some tried-and-tested melody and make some easy millions here. Who cares if the airwaves are polluted by recycled music? Let's market it through some fresh-faced pop sensation. Who cares if she hasn't got a genuine artistic talent to compensate as long as we make her expose some skin? That'll sell". Let's imagine he finishes these lines with some evil grin and a classic villainy laugh. Include a cuddly exotic cat in the picture too.

Plagiarism in music is by no means a new thing. It has involved artists ranging from various genres and even those who have established respectable reputation in the field (Les Paul, George Harrison, Bee Gees, and Nirvana - to mention a few big shots who have been accused in their careers). So when some new millennium producers attempt to plant some so-called pop sensations' feet in the industry by exploiting an already successful and popular melody line from only a few years back and manage to get away with it, maybe I should ask myself - Who gives a crap?

I must be having too much time on my hand for caring. Hehe.

Theoretically Speaking

When someone neglects a blog that he/she has set up, it’s either because

A. S/He has been busy having fun or doing important stuffs that s/he couldn’t find time to do something petty like updating a blog.
B. S/He has been having months so uneventful and doing stuffs so trivial that they are not worthy of a post.

But sometimes, it’s simply because the person is lay-Zzzzzzzz…..